Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
You Might Also Like
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Rather alarming headline…
I found your tweet-up…
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.