a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
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I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Me if I was a dog
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*