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They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
(yawn)
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
peeping toms
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone