I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
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I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics