Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
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OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine