Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
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BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download