I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
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Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
You are what you delete.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.