I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
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I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine