wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
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Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever