Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
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Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.