Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
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-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Seems legit
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?