Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know