One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
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Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
no one ever comes back
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.