“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
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You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother