My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
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How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️