me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
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The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!