acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
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FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Oh. My. God.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat