cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
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Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
British websites use biscuits.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers