> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
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ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell