Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
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Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
A Short Story.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”