Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
You Might Also Like
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence