For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
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[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Brother?
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?