Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
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What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
pictures of spider-man
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.