*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
You Might Also Like
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.