HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
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ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind