Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
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What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I occasionally drink every single night.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.