My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
You Might Also Like
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.