Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
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If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.