We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
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Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
A dead goose is called a ghoost
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale