toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
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who wore it better?
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
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employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.