We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
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If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI