If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
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Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Cat.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.