Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
You Might Also Like
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.