What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
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I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
What is going on? 😅
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.