If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
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What the hell is going on?
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones