Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
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In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
best review i’ve ever seen
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!