DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
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tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
The booster protects against what, now?
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up