Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
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When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter