My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
You Might Also Like
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
mumsnet is amazing
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Meow
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
this has to be peak English
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”