I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
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Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
nyc:
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10