Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
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ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee