My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
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Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard