Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
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[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar