Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
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yeah 😭
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Me, in DM rooms…
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.