In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
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I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
I drew y’all a little something.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I love twitter