me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
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I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct