*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
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Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Who’s your best friend?
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*