[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
You Might Also Like
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.