Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
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I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
motivation
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel