Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
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ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Morning all.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.